Being me has always been an issue for me. There is no me. When I am with this person I am this version of myself, and this person this version of myself. Its akin to being a chameleon. I have been accused my whole life of being a pleaser, a ghost of myself in order to seek attention. This is not exactly true.
I have been searching in me for the last several months. Since Bob has entered the center stage I have altered myself to fit this new life we have together. When we were just friends drinking beer on the porch I was one version of myself, now that we are playing house together I need to be another ghost of myself. This is not a lie. This is not a ploy to make him love me more. He loves both parts of me. This is me adapting to my requirements. There is nothing wrong with this. Watching my children, who are watching my transformation with keen eyes, I have seen that even with my own children I am different ghosts of myself. This unsettled me at first. I was uncomfortable with seeing myself as a person who cant even be authentic with my own children, but then I saw it. The golden ticket to take away from this is that each of my children are distinctly different from each other, they have been raised with me meeting them where they are. Not forcing them to be someone who they aren’t in order to spend time with their mother. This has allowed each of them to grow and explore their own wants and needs. The biggest portion of this that matters is that they feel confident in talking to me on their terms, talking to me about absolutely anything that is bothering them or that they are trying to work out. I know exactly how to calm each of them and which of them can be best put to which task. Knowing them this way has allowed us all to work together as a unit that has accomplished amazing steps. We have been through alot. Together. As ourselves.
This knowing people is how I have survived this long flying under the radar. This is also why I have no true friends. People come into my life. They reveal what they need from me and I graciously provide it. Then they grow past me or simply move on to some new stage of life and leave me where we met. They don’t look back and search for me because they no longer need what I provided. I just fade away. I am not unique.
This bothered me for many years. I felt untrue. I felt like there was something wrong with me that I was so easily walked away from. That some how I was less of a person if I wasn’t unique. The recent introspect that has brought me around on this is my relationship with Bob. I am not conforming to what he wants. I am falling into a role. I am doing this to make his life better, happier. But it is not without return. I can read, I’ve returned to writing, my children see a calmer me, they have laughter in their life.
I need structure. I need a man who can set me in the direction of my goals and push me to reach them. I need a family that has space to be themselves. I need Bob.
He doesn’t give me a list to do but knowing him as well as I do I know what will make him calmer. What will ease his distress. What causes laughter to erupt from his belly. What gives him peaceful moments with the children and myself. This could be seen as me pleasing him, giving into him, bending to his will. Except he doesn’t ask any of this of me, never requires anything of me. He is extremely pleased with me, or at least he says he is, but it is in no way dependent upon me fulfilling any specific void in his life.
We are both still healing from past chaos. This love that we found is respectful of those scars and open gashes. They are looked at and examined not ignored or brushed under the table. He allows me to feel seen. I feel heard. Not silenced, not shushed. He meets me where I am and joins me in my moment instead of forcing me to meet him in order to be acknowledged. I hope this is how my children feel about my relationship with them. I hope that they raise their children the same way. I hope that my new step-children can settle into this new way of being. This new calm we have created.