Not yet. Pretty soon. This has been a catch phrase in my life since my oldest daughter was young. She, being the first granddaughter, was, of course, the center of attention. When she began to talk her answer to everything from “Do you need want a snack?” to “Are you ready to go now?” was “Not yet. Pretty soon”. This was the most enduring phrase ever uttered from the mouth of a child. Not. But it did catch on. The whole family, all million of us, still use it regularly even though she is now in her sophomore year at Bloomsburg.
The gravity of the saying never really sank in for me until about a year ago when I finally met a therapist who didn’t stare at me funny every time I told her a story. My whole life has been “not yet pretty soon”. I did all the same things most middle-class kids did as a child. I went through my parents’ divorce, suffered through bullying, bullied someone else, dealt with the lack of household funds, and graduated high school. And this for me is where it started. I constantly felt like I just couldn’t complete anything for fear of success. This gripping emotion has carried me through 2 husbands and a third horrible long term relationship, 20 years of college, multiple dead-end jobs and finally to where I am now.
I am not going to sit here and claim to be cured, or even that I have all the answers. What I am hoping to accomplish by sharing my story is to spread some of the hope and optimism that has been shared with me. I spent a very long time convinced that everything about me was broken beyond repair, that I did not deserve to have happiness and that if I found a life that didn’t reject me, to hold on tight to it.
There is a silver lining to this introduction. I learned over the last year that if I am honest with myself and those few people who stuck around after the first 5 minutes of knowing me that I am not broken beyond repair, maybe pretty severely cracked but nothing a lot of super glue can’t fix.